Hello 2010

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, while I wait on Thee.  Hush my heart to listen in expectancy.

I can't believe this year is over, when I think about 2009 the first thing that comes to mind is my struggle with heartache and God's faithfulness. This has been the year that I've grown the most and for the first time in my life I can say that I love Jesus. Even though a broken heart has not been fun the outcome from being broken has been amazing and He has proven to me once again that He is my Shepherd. He cares about me to the point where He wants to make me perfect and make me like Christ. My new life verse is 2 Cor 12:9-10, more than anything I want Him to use me. The heartache this year was unexpected and I still feel the pain but God's goodness, His blessings, and His faithfulness have overlayed the bitterness and sorrow. I have learned so much in these past couple of months and I am excited about 2010 and what He has in store for me. 

I dont necessarily believe in new year resolutions, I think it's a little silly because if we want to change then we need to simply do it rather than wait until New Year's Eve. At any rate I do have a few goals and these are things that the Lord has been convicting me about in the past couple of weeks and I really want to focus on them even more so in the new year. The first thing I have felt deep conviction about is my critical spirit - something that I hate to admit because it shows that I have a pride problem and insecurity at the same time. I have been noticing criticism and cynicism and negativity so much more these past couple of months and i'm just tired of it and how it makes me feel. It brings me down and no longer do I want to be a part of it. Whatever happened to encouraging and edifying others? "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." Ephesians 4:29. I want to be an encouragement to others especially my brothers and sisters in Christ, I want to encourage others not only through my words but through my actions. That is my desire and that is my goal.


The second thing I have felt conviction about (once again ;p ) is my habit of grabbing the steering wheel instead of letting God take control. Why oh why do I feel that I need to do things my way all the time?? I do nothing but mess up situations or cause myself more discouragement or put others in awkward circumstances. Grrrr. If I would only keep my faith in Him and in His sovereignty and in His timing then I would be content and at peace with leaving things in His hands. When I start to frantically grab the wheel it is when I haven't been faithful in my Bible study and prayer, its at those weakened moments that I start to lose my focus on Him and begin looking for my own way to do things - my own way to solve problems. How many times do I have to fail before I recognize that only He knows best? I have to keep the faith.

The third conviction is to remain patient in waiting for Him. Once again I feel stuck in the mud and don't know what the future holds. I want more, I desire to be used by Him, I desire to start the next phase of my life but I dont know when that is and I dont know where to go. I'm waiting. My pastor spoke on this yesterday and it was a good reminder that while I wait for His leading I need to keep busy. My goal for this week is find a women's Bible study at one of the local churches, I need to make the most of my free time now to grow & be discipled. I can't do it alone and I have very few Christian friends here and need that support and influence in my life. I also want to become involved in a new ministry at my church. I'm already involved in the music ministry and in the audio/visual ministry but I want to do more. I'm beginning to feel like I'm not doing enough and that while I'm young & single & financially stable I should be giving more of my time and money for the advancement of His kingdom.

Hopefully I can look back on this post in a few months and feel that I've accomplished something :)

Merry Christmas!!

Holidaze

This time of year always brings on the stress, there's so much going on with the school semester ending - church activities - scheduling at work - and family that I feel overwhelmed. I feel guilty too because I have been neglecting quality time with the Lord :( I feel a difference when I haven't spent enough time reading His Word and talking to Him and I don't like it. Doesn't help that I have a 3 month old puppy that wants to play all the time!!!! I know, i know, that's not a viable excuse but she is very demanding...and adorable :)

I was reading 2 Cor 12 this morning and came across verses 9-11. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I absolutely love these verses and I cannot wait to meet Paul in heaven because he is someone that I truly admire. Paul is the epitomy of God's grace and once again proves to me that God can use and will use anyone to further His purpose. I'm reminded of the verse Proverbs 19:21 that says "Many are the plans in a man's heart But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails".

There are days when I am wrapped up in my pity-parties and I fail to see the bigger picture. I haven't gotten to the point yet where I'm necessarily delighting in difficulties and insults but I'm starting to see how Christ works through those situations and how He is able to bring about His glory and honor. I have a lot of weaknesses! but thankfully the Lord can still use me and work through me. When I am weak I count on His strength to push me through, when I am insulted I run to Him for comfort, when I am going through hardship I seek His peace and wisdom, and when I am persecuted I lean on His promises. The 'thorn in my flesh' has proven to me that His power is perfect in my weakness. Difficulties and hardships push me to my knees and that is where I come face to face with His strength and grace. Thank you, Lord, for never judging or looking down on me but instead using me despite my weakness and my ugliness. Thank you for using me to bring glory to Your name!