I am plagued by restlessness. It is a restlessness that is both sinful and healthy seemingly growing from the same root -- I'm discontented because I feel stuck in the mud yet I feel discontented because I want more out of this life essentially wanting to do more for Him. At times it isn't a fun place to be while at other times it is the one thing that motivates me to keep pushing forward.
St. Augustine once said that our hearts are restless until we find our rest in God. If that is so then why do so many Christians feel so restless? Why do so many of us who know, love and have our hearts set on Christ, feel so tossed about? Why do I feel lost?
There are six words that the apostle Paul writes in Philipians 3:20 that profoundly changed my perspective on life. "But our citizenship is in heaven". What an awesome thought, earth is my temporary home and i'm just passing through -- it is a waiting room for my real home in heaven. And just like any other waiting room I grow impatient and hopeless thinking that my turn will never come or that I've been forgotten. My home is in heaven and deep down my restlessness comes from my desire to be with Him and to get away from this world. I try to find fulfilment and satisfaction in jobs, vacations, friends, relationships but nothing satisfies. Then I think even if I did pursue a different career, a different job, a new relationship, it wouldn't matter because it won't change a thing. The turmoil will still remain because essentially I am longing for my heavenly home.
As far as what I am to be doing as I wait I know that the times and seasons are marked out by the Lord and it is known only by Him. Anxiety and worry have no place when it comes to trusting in His wisdom, I need not concern myself with details of life that do not make sense to me. He sees the big picture and is weaving my tapestry. I need to forget what lies behind and strain forward to what lies ahead, pressing on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Phil 3:13). So maybe feeling restless isn't so bad after all :)
