In His time and not my own

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the achings of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?  

- Laura Story

                 

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9


“O Lord, I know the way of man is not in himself; it is not in man who walks to direct his own steps.” Jeremiah 10:23


“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.”
Psalm 37:4,7

A Restless Soul

I am plagued by restlessness. It is a restlessness that is both sinful and healthy seemingly growing from the same root -- I'm discontented because I feel stuck in the mud yet I feel discontented because I want more out of this life essentially wanting to do more for Him. At times it isn't a fun place to be while at other times it is the one thing that motivates me to keep pushing forward.

St. Augustine once said that our hearts are restless until we find our rest in God. If that is so then why do so many Christians feel so restless?  Why do so many of us who know, love and have our hearts set on Christ, feel so tossed about? Why do I feel lost?

There are six words that the apostle Paul writes in Philipians 3:20 that profoundly changed my perspective on life. "But our citizenship is in heaven". What an awesome thought, earth is my temporary home and i'm just passing through -- it is a waiting room for my real home in heaven. And just like any other waiting room I grow impatient and hopeless thinking that my turn will never come or that I've been forgotten. My home is in heaven and deep down my restlessness comes from my desire to be with Him and to get away from this world. I try to find fulfilment and satisfaction in jobs, vacations, friends, relationships but nothing satisfies. Then I think even if I did pursue a different career, a different job, a new relationship, it wouldn't matter because it won't change a thing. The turmoil will still remain because essentially I am longing for my heavenly home.

As far as what I am to be doing as I wait I know that the times and seasons are marked out by the Lord and it is known only by Him. Anxiety and worry have no place when it comes to trusting in His wisdom, I need not concern myself with details of life that do not make sense to me. He sees the big picture and is weaving my tapestry. I need to forget what lies behind and strain forward to what lies ahead, pressing on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Phil 3:13). So maybe feeling restless isn't so bad after all :)

Happiness Is ______

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I haven't been hit over the head or knocked over by a tidal wave rather "it" has been a soft and gradual understanding of where I am in life. I am happy. My state of mind is characterized by Christ.

Not long ago my pastor preached on the Things That Are v The Things That Aren't and I realized that I had been dwelling on the things that aren't for so long that I created a roadblock for myself. It was an impressive roadblock with lots of flashing lights, barriers, and signs. I could clearly see the other side of the road and more than anything I wanted to keep moving forward but I was stuck. Stuck in the mud. Trudging daily and growing increasingly frustrated. There were days when I was successful in tearing down some of the "wrong way" signs and moving barriers but I could only get so far on my own strength. Deep down I knew that I would not find complete contentment and satisfaction without getting rid of all the piled up mess in the road. Through circumstance - through His patience and teaching - I have come to see that my way out....my detour.....is His grace and His love for me.

As time goes on I see more and more of the Things That Are and not so much of the pesky things that aren't. It is a learning process and I'm certain there will be days perhaps weeks of back-pedaling but at least I now know the steps to take. I rest in His Sovereignty which provides me with contentment. I rest in His Strength which affords me peace and joy. I rest in His Grace and relish in the love surrounding me. I rest in His Widsom which lends me pleasure. God giveth and taketh away and sometimes the taking away part, despite how painful or humiliating or disappointing, is exactly what we need to truly see Him for who He really is and all that He has to offer. Happiness is not found in relationships, possessions, money, or security blankets rather it is found in living life for Him. True inner joy is being filled with peace and fueled by faith. Joy for me is found in serving others and I am praying He will provide me with the opportunity of making it a lifelong endeavor.

I have finally realized that confidence and security come from the knowledge that He has chosen me. It doesn't matter what others see or don't see in me - it matters only what HE sees in me. He recognized the beauty and potential in me before long before I was formed in the womb and has since been pushing, molding, and guiding me to become more like Him. I have been set apart for a purpose. I have been specifically chosen by Him to be an ambassador for Christ. That is a big responsibility and a privilage! This knowledge in and of itself is what fuels by inner joy.

As I look back over the past couple of months I see a bunch of potholes, barriers, and signs but then I see how far I've come and all I can say is God is good. Thank you Lord for all the Things That Are for I am richly blessed. Thank you for being my Shepherd.

What I've learned over the past couple of weeks

1. In order to forgive you must show grace. This is the latest truth He has shown me. I have struggled with forgiveness over the past year or so and finally asked God to show me how I can forgive. He opened my eyes and showed me that extending grace to someone through words, actions, and prayer is the process to forgiving them. Practicing grace shifts the focus off self and back to God. It can be very difficult but I aim to follow Jesus' example of showing His grace to me - someone who does not deserve Him and all He has to offer.

2. I Peter 1:3-8 is chock-full of awesome assurance:
He has shown me mercy
He has given me a new birth into a living hope
He has given me a new birth into an inheritance that can never spoil, fade, or perish
I am shielded by God's power
My faith far outweighs the wealth of gold
Trials are meant to prove my faith genuine
Trials are ultimately meant to bring praise, glory, and honor to Him

3. I need to serve Him
4. I am richly blessed
5. God sees the beauty and the worth in me. I am worth enough for Him to die for me
6. LIFE IS SHORT

Sing Over Your Children

I flirt with the world and it steals my my love for You

My fear grips my faith and I am left unmoved

Your gaze stops my heart, Your voice fills the dark

Your love is the spark that lights this life

Out of the depths You cry

Come and be satisfied

Father You sing....You sing over Your children

You quiet the storm

Inside my shipwrecked soul

Your spirit will lead

It calls the wayward home.

~ Matt Maher

I appreciate the words of this song. I flirt with the world. I battle fear. My heart and mind are constantly under attack and often times I am found to be wayward. I recently read a blog entry by John Eldredge and he talked about our perception of Jesus and how He works as a Deliverer and a Preventer. Often times we picture Him solely as a Preventer.....or at least we want Him to be the Preventer because we don't want to face hard times, trials, fears, and hurts. Isn't that what we usually pray for? A lot of our requests revolve around asking God to prevent someone from physical pain, complications, or difficulties. But that isn't the way He works, we are such a simple-minded and ignorant people. We can't see all the things He has prevented from happening. He is our Shield and our Protector and I have no doubt that we are blind to the 90% of "things" He has shielded and protected us from in life. David, the author of Psalms, presents the idea of the Father being a Deliverer. Delivering means that I am in trouble and need God to rescue me - it is with grace and mercy that He prevents so much from happening in my life yet He also chooses to deliver me. It is with this perspective that I realize He hasn't nor ever will abandon me!

I Offer Up My Words

If only we stopped to think about the power of words more often. This week's Bible study focuses on surrendering our words (and thoughts) to God as a form of worship. I'm going to write out my favorite points within the chapter...the ones that spoke loudest to me.

• When we bless God and others with our words they are a sweet fragrance of worship to the Father
• Proverbs 12:18 "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing"
• All creation worships but only God's special creation can worship with words. We have been given a great privelage - the gift of language. The tragic part is that we use this gift to curse Him and those made in His image. James 3:9-10 "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing....this should not be"
• Ephesians 4:29 "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment so that it will give grace to those who hear" The opposite of unwholesome are words that edify and bring encouragement, words that reinforce the heart of the other person. Edifying words give grace, not judgment, they meet the need of the moment.
• The day I realized that my words can cause emotional death was a sobering one. My words can cut open one made in the image of God.
• "A truly wise person uses few words"
• Just as choosing wise words bring Him glory, remaining silent when the words are boiling over to be spoken can also glorify
• Very often I inquire of God "should I say this?" and His message to me is "I will fight for you while you keep silent" Exodus 14:14
• I often want emotional relief so I plunge in and speak quickly - and I get in God's way.
• Do my words give courage to a person so that they will try something a second time? Or do my words discourage them, cut them down, and diminish their joy.
• Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
• God has given me the glorious gift of words and every day I have a choice to use them to bring blessing or cursing, encouragement or discouragement.
• When I pour words of encouragement into my family, friends, coworkers, I bless them. This too is worship to my great God.

 I know that bowing my words will be a lifelong journey.

To: My Shepherd ; From: Your Wandering Sheep

I haven't written in a while, Lord, I've wanted to write but I struggle with knowing where to start. The last two months have been a whirlwind of traveling, work, and overall busyness. This week I began to feel the effects of the busyness - my quiet time with You has suffered. I have noticed that I like to keep busy in order to avoid facing the giants, You know it is an easy escape for me. I don't want to face the truth, the fears, the disappointment, the hurt, the areas I need to fix. I'd rather sweep it all under the carpet and believe that it will all just go away on its' own. You, however, remain faithful to your wandering sheep. You faithfully and graciously protect, guide, nourish, and care for me. Time and again I have wandered from the fold and You have patiently waited for me to return, when I take too long or become lost You bring me back to where I belong....to Whom I belong. Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally.

My Bible study group has been working on a new book that challenges us to find fulfillment in Christ. Busyness is my first hurdle to gaining fulfillment and satisfaction in Christ alone, the second hurdle is fear. This week's chapter focused on finding stillness in the midst of chaos and spending quality time in worshipping Him. Of course my excuse is that I can't find the time and place to devote even a half hour of worship and prayer but as I read this week's chapter I fell under conviction. Jesus was hounded by people day and night, even during the moments when there were no crowds He still had the company of His disciples. He was constantly performing miracles, teaching, and traveling yet He found time to worship and pray....His quiet time was essential to His ministry. There were many instances when Jesus had to escape to get away from the crowds and even His disciples in order to spend time alone with the Father. Sometimes it required Him to scale a mountain, hop into a boat and row to the middle of a sea, or find solitude in His favorite garden. If the Creator of this Universe can find time for worship than I have no excuse whatsoever.

Time is the treasure of life. Time IS life.

Time is the willing sacrifice that you offer up to

The worship of what you love.

Don't tell me what you love. Tell me where you

spend your TIME and I'll tell YOU what you love.

Once I'm successfull over the busyness hurdle I need to tackle the hurdle of fear. Ugh. Not really looking forward to the unleashing of emotion but I know without a doubt that I cannot learn and grow or continue to move forward without facing the giants. Right now disappointment is my biggest foe, it's tough to battle that particular emotion however I have learned that God's Sovereignty overpowers all. Trusting in His wisdom is what gives me the incentive to keep pushing forward despite the disappointment, despite the hurt, despite the lack of direction. I've let go of the reigns and given them to God, He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing. "Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

I have been formed and created for His glory, my life has a purpose and that is to advance His kingdom on this earth. Lord, may this sheep's thirsty soul be satisfied by my Shepherd's unlimited supply of love!

Nehemiah and a side of Ezra

I don't recall hearing or learning much about the rebuilding of Jerusalem so when I read through Ezra and Nehemiah I was simply amazed. Amazed at Nehemiah's leadership, amazed at God's faithfulness, amazed at the passion and zeal the people had in order to rebuild their city in just 52 days! The second person on my "want to meet in Heaven" list (after the apostle Paul) is Nehemiah because he exudes nothing but pure leadership and that is something I greatly admire.

In Nehemiah chapter 1 we read about Nehemiah's position as cupbearer for King Artaxerxes and how his brother Hanani comes to visit him with grave news about the Jewish remnant. Hanani tells him that those who did survive the exile have made it back to Jerusalem but the people are distraught, disgraced, and in trouble. The walls of Jerusalem were completely destroyed and this caused Nehemiah to weep. Nehemiah did something honorable, he did not become angry or bitter or curse rather he mourned, fasted, and prayed....for days. I love verse 8 because it not only shows Nehemiah's faith in God's promises but it also shows God's faithfulness in keeping His promises.
In chapter two we read about Nehemiah asking the king whether he would be allowed to go back to his city and help rebuild. During this time period it was imperative that those who served the king were conscious of their demeanor. A servant of the king did not pass before his throne with a look of despondency or a sad countenance, you were expected to have a pleasant face to look upon at all times. So as we read in verses 2  and 3 the King obviuosly noted Nehemiah's sad countenance and because of that Nehemiah became afraid! I like verse 4 - Nehemiah prayed to the God of heaven before he answered the king. How often do we do just that? Not only did Nehemiah obtain favor from the King for his travels but he was also granted letters to ensure his safety during travel and to ensure he recieved the proper supplies for the rebuilding project. God is good to those who put their trust in Him.

Nehemiah was so trusting and dependent upon God - in 2:20 he says "The God of heaven will give us success...." only seven words yet I sense no faltering and no fear. He knew without a doubt that God was going to give them success. In chapter three we read about the individuals assigned to build the portions of the wall that were closest to their own homes. I love 3:12 - "Shallum son of Hallohesh, ruler of a half-district of Jerusalem, repaired the next section with the help of his daughters" - the rebuilding of Jerusalem wasn't gender specific, it wasn't assigned to only the powerful and wealthy. It was a commitment made by every individual within those walls, it shows how much the Jews loved their city and how dedicated they were to the rebuilding. Reading about the passion of these people is so moving - 3:20 "20 Next to him, Baruch son of Zabbai zealously repaired another section...." no other individual in the entire chapter has the word "zealously" associated with their name. It is not coincidental or accidental that this word was used to describe Zabbai's efforts, obviously God wanted this particular word in His Book and to me that speaks greatly of Zabbai's character. One little word that speaks so much, I wonder what one word the Lord would use to describe me and my efforts.
Chapter 4, verse 6 - so the people worked with all of their heart. Sanballat and the others became angry when they saw the Jews achieving success with the rebuilding. They organized an army and plotted to destroy Jerusalem. The Jews cried out to God and 4:14-15 speak for themselves "After I (Nehemiah) looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, 'Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.'  When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to his own work" Nehemiah encouraged, trusted God entirely, and never gave up the fight! The people never gave up.

Despite further opposition the walls were rebuilt and the exiles were finally able to return home. All the people assembled in the main square and asked Ezra the scribe to bring out the Book of the Law of Moses. He read it outloud from daybreak until noon. Day after day, from the first until the last, Ezra read from the Book of the Law of Moses. Ezra was and still is another great leader - a spiritual leader. The first couple of words of 8:5 -"Ezra opened the book." gives me goose bumps. I can just picture thousands of people gathered in the square all eyes upon Ezra who stood upon a high wooden platform built just for the occasion. As he brought out the Book and opened it every person stood to his feet. Ezra praised the Lord and the people lifted their hands and responded with loud "Amen"s, then they bowed down and worshipped with their faces to the ground. What an awesome picture, and what a thrill to see an exiled people back home within the safety of their rebuilt walls and a renewed zeal for God.

The Holy Spirit and Me

I have been reading and learning about the Holy Spirit in my weekly Bible study and I have truly enjoyed getting to know Him in a different light. I've really never given the Holy Spirit much thought, in fact I viewed Him as a thrown-in bonus when I accepted Christ. Kind of like when you purchase a car and they throw in the floor mats as a perk- that is the exact view I had of the Spirit. It was reassuring to hear similar perspectives from the other women in my study group. The Holy Spirit isn't taught much in our church circles, it seems there is a fear or a stigma and a lot of people simply don't know enough to talk about Him. If you approach Scripture with an open mind you will begin to see how the Spirit works and what His role is meant to be in our lives.

The first thing that completely amazed me and made me say "wow" was when I realized that the Spirit within me is the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead! The Holy Spirit IS God! It hit me like a ton of bricks -the Spirit is not any lower or less important than Jesus and the Father. He is an equal part of the Trinity. In     I John 16:7 Jesus said to the disciples "But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you." Jesus, back in the day, was limited physically in how much he could be with the disciples and where he was able to go with them yet it would be an advantage for Him to leave and for the Spirit to be sent to them. The Spirit would dwell within each man and be with him wherever he went giving them individual counsel, comfort, strength, and wisdom. The Spirit would never leave them and that is true to this day! We have the Spirit who is equal to Jesus and the Father and gives each of us our individual strengths and counsel and comfort. Pretty cool.

There is so much more to the Spirit than we give Him credit for - I can't tell you how many years I pushed Him away and ignored His promptings. It had gotten to the point where I built a wall around my heart and I didn't let anyone in. I accredited all the guilt I was feeling to the Holy Spirit but that's all I was giving him "credit" for - it wasn't until God broke me that I began to understand and percieve Someone actually living within me. I Kings 19:11-12 says "Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD'. And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice". I've come to realize that He is the still small voice within me and sometimes it is so hard to hear Him because of all the noise and distractions around me.  I like this quote from the book I am reading "When we are at our wits' end for an answer, then the Holy Spirit can give us an answer. But how can He give us an answer when we are still well supplied with all sorts of answers of our own?"  It has been so neat and such a unique experience for me to hear His voice, to feel His prompting, and to know that it is truly Him leading me and speaking to me.

One of the topics in our study group has been the will of God. How does the Holy Spirit fit in with the will of God and what does the popular statemtn "follow the will of God" really mean? It's been interesting because I had never thought of following His will on a daily basis. For some reason there is a rampant idea out there (which i followed faithfully) that we need to discover His will for our future and we need to be searching for it endlessly until we figure it out. The thing is that God never said He would disclose our future plans to us at any point - consider Abraham and Moses. They were two of the greatest leaders in history yet they never knew where they were headed or what they were going to do, God revealed His will to them on a daily basis. The Father does the same thing for us and it is done by and through the Holy Spirit. I think of the verse in I Cor 2:10 "For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God." This is such an awesome concept - the Spirit searches even the depths of God. In the next verse it says "....even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God." The Holy Spirit is in continual conversation and fellowship with the Father and that is how He communicates to us. Another verse pops into my head and I can't remember where it is in the Word but I do know the concept of the verse is that we should not make plans without involving the Lord. Who are we to decide what we are going to do and where we are going to go for only He knows. His Sovereignty is the piece of His character that I have seen and come to know over the last couple of months and it is a beautiful thing. It is a blessing and a relief to know that I don't need to figure out the great mystery of His will for my life - all I'm expected to do is obey. Take each day as it comes and simply obey and His desire and His will for my life will be made known. Some days it feels as if I'm trying to make my way through a dense fog yet I know that My Savior sees clearly and He knows what lies ahead. He has only my best interests at heart. At this phase in my life I do not know what step to take next or where He is going to lead me but it's o.k. :) When the Spirit moves I will obey and I am excited to see where He is going to take me. I'm in it for the long haul and I'm looking forward to the ride.

He calls me Friend

These past two weeks God has been speaking to me about Friendship and it always amazes me how He  lines up the batting cage perfectly. My daily devotional has been focusing on the friendship between David and Jonathan and I have been especially humbled by the character of Jonathan. These two men had a deep spiritual bond and had the greatest love and respect for one another, Jonathan was slated to take over the throne after his father yet he recognized the Lord's will for the king's armourbearer (David) to be king. Jonathan did not become bitter or enraged instead he accepted His will and loved David so much that he gave up his right to the throne. "Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" - this shows great humility and devotion. Would I do the same?

The chapter I read this week for my Bible study also focused on friendship and our relationship with the Lord. I read the verse James 2:23 that says "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness and he was called God's friend." The author of my Bible study book asked a very poignant question - Do I know God or do I know of Him? Can I too be called a friend of God? God knows me intimately and He wants me to know Him the same way yet do I...do we....take the time and effort to get to know Him? Yesterday the song by Philips, Craig, & Dean was playing on the radio as I drove into the parking lot at work and the message touched my heart...of course it was about friendship :) "Who am I that You are mindful of me? That you hear me when I call. Is it true that You are thinking of me? How You love me, It's amazing, I am a friend of God. He calls me friend".

Some of my Favorite Things

These quotes, songs, and "things" have really touched my heart over the past couple of days:

A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her  ~ Max Lucado

You will be safe in His arms because the hands that hold the world are holding your heart ~ Phil Wickham

I will move ahead bold and confident taking every step in obedience, while I'm waiting I will serve you   ~ John Waller

O and when the love spills over and music fills the night and when you can't contain your joy inside then dance for Jesus! And with your final heartbeat kiss the world goodbye then go in peace and laugh on Glory's side and Fly to Jesus. Fly to Jesus and live!   ~ Chris Rice

It really is an astounding truth that the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. He lives in me.  ~ Francis Chan

Only one life 'twill soon be past; Only what's done for Christ will last ~ author unknown

Hearing the birds sing praise to their Creator
When the Spirit opens my eyes to new truth from "old" Bible stories
When the Lord sends encouragement and laughter my way at the exact moment I need it most
Fellowship with Christian friends - they are truly a gift from heaven
Realizing that I am a citizen of heaven and earth is only my temporary home
Sponsoring a little girl in Haiti through worldvision 

OHHhhh Lilly

I have been learning some important lessons in motherhood. I didn't realize how much time, effort, and patience it takes to potty-train and discipline a 4.5 month old puppy!! She is not a bad dog by any means,  she is very smart and sweet and really well-behaved BUT there are those moments which can now be dubbed her Princess moments.

When i first brought Lilly home she was only 1 lb 10 oz awwww she was so stinkin' cute!! Just a little black furball with big eyes -- now she is a hefty 3 lbs and her hair is turning grey but she is still stinkin' cute :) Having been so tiny it took her a while to learn how to climb up the stairs but lemme tell you she is now Wonderdog the way she leaps and jumps and runs around like a rocket. Unbelievable. She's learned how to use me as a catapault to get up onto the couch and I in turn have learned to never let her off her leash because it's nearly impossible to catch her! She barks at birds on the t.v., at her reflection, at my hair dryer, at the pool fountain, and at golf carts but that's about it. Lilly is particular about eating - she will not eat from her dog bowl and instead she will transfer a mouthful of kibble to the carpet and eat them one by one. When I give her little treats she will prance around them and play Attack! before she gobbles them up. When she is snacking on her rawhides she will paw at me to hold it for her and then further paw to show me exactly how to hold it so she can get a better chewing angle. She loves to chew on my shoes, steal my socks, and tangle up my hair.

Lilly has learned to climb stairs but has yet to learn how to climb down them....last week she managed to find a small opening in the gate that is blocking off the stairway and squeezed her way through. She ran up the stairs and wouldn't you know it couldn't figure out how to get back down so she spent 4.5 hours upstairs by herself without food, water, or pee pads. When I got home from work I expected her to come running up to me but there was no Lilly! "Lilly where are you???" I thought someone had burglurized my home only to steal my little furball but then I heard a small frantic "yip" from upstairs and i knew what happened. She was SO excited to see me and wouldn't stop licking me or prancing around -- and the best part of that welcome was finding a big ol' dump on my sister's bedroom floor. My sister is the biggest perfectionist and clean freak on the face of this planet so I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. Ahhh sweet revenge after all the years of her pestering! 
I am dealing with her Princess moments more than ever which have resulted from being spoiled. She has to have her belly rubbed first thing after she wakes up and what is really irritating me right now is that she has to use the front yard for peeing. I live in a townhome which means my "front yard" is 20 other people's front yard and I have to look semi-decent. That doesn't happen at 6 a.m. so Lilly gets sent to the backyard but for some reason she doesnt prefer the back of the house and will come running inside and unashamedly pee on the living carpet in front of me. Patience is a virtue, right?

Despite all of her diva-ness I can say that Lilly has brightened my life with her sweet nature, her personality, and her love. There's nothing like being greeted at the door after a long day at work with kisses and prancing and sheer excitement. She has provided companionship and laughter to my home.

Update:  I'm very excited about the goals I've set for myself, I've already crossed two off my list! Tonight is the first night for the women's Bible study group I'm attending and i'm looking forward to meeting everyone and fellowshipping with believers my age. The second goal which i'm still working on is starting up a ministry at church for the needy. It's still "talk" right now but i'm excited that there are a few others with the same heartfelt desire and I'm praying that we will be able to organize something within the next couple of weeks.
God continues to use me as a mode of encouragement for others and I pray that He gives me even more opportunity to be used by Him.

I love this song by Phil Wickham:

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart

And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart

I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own

But you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas?

Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet

With a love so strong He'll never let you go

Oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms

You will be safe in His arms

'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart

This is the promise that He made

He will be with You always

When everything is falling apart

You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life

Is the very same voice that calls you to rise

So hear Him now He's calling you home

You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains

the hands that calm the seas

These are the arms that hold the heavens

they are holding you and me

These are the hands that healed the leper

Pulled the lame up to their feet

These are the arms that were nailed to the cross

to break our chains and set us free!

I've never really stopped to think about the fact that the God who holds the earth and the heavens in His hands is the very same God who is holding me. The same Jesus who performed miracles is the same Jesus that is with me this very moment. It's humbling to think and comforting to know that He cares about me this way and that He is capable of creating this universe and holding everything together yet at the same time capable of being tender and compassionate towards a fragile soul like me. I've been learning what it's like to be safe in His arms and there is truly no other place I would rather be....thank you, Lord, for finding worth in me.

Hello 2010

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, while I wait on Thee.  Hush my heart to listen in expectancy.

I can't believe this year is over, when I think about 2009 the first thing that comes to mind is my struggle with heartache and God's faithfulness. This has been the year that I've grown the most and for the first time in my life I can say that I love Jesus. Even though a broken heart has not been fun the outcome from being broken has been amazing and He has proven to me once again that He is my Shepherd. He cares about me to the point where He wants to make me perfect and make me like Christ. My new life verse is 2 Cor 12:9-10, more than anything I want Him to use me. The heartache this year was unexpected and I still feel the pain but God's goodness, His blessings, and His faithfulness have overlayed the bitterness and sorrow. I have learned so much in these past couple of months and I am excited about 2010 and what He has in store for me. 

I dont necessarily believe in new year resolutions, I think it's a little silly because if we want to change then we need to simply do it rather than wait until New Year's Eve. At any rate I do have a few goals and these are things that the Lord has been convicting me about in the past couple of weeks and I really want to focus on them even more so in the new year. The first thing I have felt deep conviction about is my critical spirit - something that I hate to admit because it shows that I have a pride problem and insecurity at the same time. I have been noticing criticism and cynicism and negativity so much more these past couple of months and i'm just tired of it and how it makes me feel. It brings me down and no longer do I want to be a part of it. Whatever happened to encouraging and edifying others? "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." Ephesians 4:29. I want to be an encouragement to others especially my brothers and sisters in Christ, I want to encourage others not only through my words but through my actions. That is my desire and that is my goal.


The second thing I have felt conviction about (once again ;p ) is my habit of grabbing the steering wheel instead of letting God take control. Why oh why do I feel that I need to do things my way all the time?? I do nothing but mess up situations or cause myself more discouragement or put others in awkward circumstances. Grrrr. If I would only keep my faith in Him and in His sovereignty and in His timing then I would be content and at peace with leaving things in His hands. When I start to frantically grab the wheel it is when I haven't been faithful in my Bible study and prayer, its at those weakened moments that I start to lose my focus on Him and begin looking for my own way to do things - my own way to solve problems. How many times do I have to fail before I recognize that only He knows best? I have to keep the faith.

The third conviction is to remain patient in waiting for Him. Once again I feel stuck in the mud and don't know what the future holds. I want more, I desire to be used by Him, I desire to start the next phase of my life but I dont know when that is and I dont know where to go. I'm waiting. My pastor spoke on this yesterday and it was a good reminder that while I wait for His leading I need to keep busy. My goal for this week is find a women's Bible study at one of the local churches, I need to make the most of my free time now to grow & be discipled. I can't do it alone and I have very few Christian friends here and need that support and influence in my life. I also want to become involved in a new ministry at my church. I'm already involved in the music ministry and in the audio/visual ministry but I want to do more. I'm beginning to feel like I'm not doing enough and that while I'm young & single & financially stable I should be giving more of my time and money for the advancement of His kingdom.

Hopefully I can look back on this post in a few months and feel that I've accomplished something :)

Merry Christmas!!

Holidaze

This time of year always brings on the stress, there's so much going on with the school semester ending - church activities - scheduling at work - and family that I feel overwhelmed. I feel guilty too because I have been neglecting quality time with the Lord :( I feel a difference when I haven't spent enough time reading His Word and talking to Him and I don't like it. Doesn't help that I have a 3 month old puppy that wants to play all the time!!!! I know, i know, that's not a viable excuse but she is very demanding...and adorable :)

I was reading 2 Cor 12 this morning and came across verses 9-11. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I absolutely love these verses and I cannot wait to meet Paul in heaven because he is someone that I truly admire. Paul is the epitomy of God's grace and once again proves to me that God can use and will use anyone to further His purpose. I'm reminded of the verse Proverbs 19:21 that says "Many are the plans in a man's heart But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails".

There are days when I am wrapped up in my pity-parties and I fail to see the bigger picture. I haven't gotten to the point yet where I'm necessarily delighting in difficulties and insults but I'm starting to see how Christ works through those situations and how He is able to bring about His glory and honor. I have a lot of weaknesses! but thankfully the Lord can still use me and work through me. When I am weak I count on His strength to push me through, when I am insulted I run to Him for comfort, when I am going through hardship I seek His peace and wisdom, and when I am persecuted I lean on His promises. The 'thorn in my flesh' has proven to me that His power is perfect in my weakness. Difficulties and hardships push me to my knees and that is where I come face to face with His strength and grace. Thank you, Lord, for never judging or looking down on me but instead using me despite my weakness and my ugliness. Thank you for using me to bring glory to Your name!

His Joy is my strength!

I had a great weekend! God has shown me that prayer works. I have always struggled with prayer and whether my prayers are even heard but my eyes have been opened and I understand more than ever that God does hear all of my prayers but sometimes they are not answered because I am praying the wrong way. I often times pray selfishly and I do not pray for the manifestation of His glory nor do I pray with faith. Another important lesson that i experienced first hand is that God will answer prayer above and beyond our expectations.
Two circumstances this weekend blessed my heart: I have been praying earnestly for a someone for the past five months and i found out on Thursday that he is growing in his spiritual walk like never before and is giving his life completely to Jesus. Every specific request that I placed before His throne for this particular individual has been answered and I am so excited to hear about his growth and to see how God works. "Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart". Another neat answer to prayer happened on Friday night - my sister and I drove about 40 minutes to a Casting Crowns concert and as soon as we pulled into the parking lot she realized she forgot her ticket! ugh. We had no idea what to do because we were far from home and the concert was completely sold out! I prayed that God would provide us with a ticket and left it with Him. When we got out of the car we decided to just walk to the front and meet our friend, we were walking up to the steps and a man yells out "tickets" and we were in disbelief b/c the concert was sold out! So we said yes we needed a ticket and asked him how much and he gave it to us for free!! How awesome is our God! He even cares about the little things :)

Sunday was refreshing, David Gibbs spoke in the morning and evening. He is the founder of the Christian Law Association and was the lawyer for Terry Schaivo's family. He is good friends with our pastor so he and his son come to speak at our church often. His morning message was about being a 2-mile Christian and how we are to go the extra mile in everything whether its our relationships or work or home life. I think what convicted me most was that I am to do my job for Jesus not for my boss or for my own success because eternity is far more important than the present. My real job is to be a disciple of Christ and my real home is Heaven -- just focusing on those two realities puts a lot into perspective.

I went to my friend's wedding on Saturday and had a fantastic time, God has blessed me with great friendships and I am continually thankful for who he has brought into my life. I was helping out with decorating the reception hall and wow it took us almost 3 hrs to pull everything together!! My favorite was the cupcake table :)

God is Good

Time after time God shows me His goodness and how much He loves me. Lately He has been blessing me with opportunities to be an encouragement to several of my friends. I know I would not have had these opportunities had my eyes not been opened and my heart been softened. It's a feeling of freedom when you break out of the box you've been a prisoner of for so long - the sad thing is that I put myself in that box! I only saw myself and really didn't see much further than my hand, the box surrounded me with what I wanted to focus on and it got to the point where I couldn't see the problems and needs all around me. I mean I did see them but I was too busy with my own life and didn't really care to reach out or put forth any time and effort.
 A couple weeks ago God began to give me opportunities to share my testimony and share encouragement with friends both new and old. It seems like at least once a week He will send someone my way and when this happens my heart literally sings praise and thanksgiving because I am being used by God! What an awesome feeling to know that God would use someone like me as a tool in another person's life. You really can use mistakes you've made in the past or situations you've experienced to encourage and counsel someone else....makes it all worthwhile.

I had a broken relationship with someone who I hadn't talked to in about 4 years. I hate tension so to go 4 years with guilt and bitterness made me burdened. Over these past couple of months I have felt compelled to contact him and make amends - "bury the hatchet" so to speak - but fear stopped me. Time went on and his name kept popping into my head every now and then but i kept pushing it away. This Sunday night, out of the blue, I recieved an email from him simply to say "hi" and wanting to know how I was doing. He said that certain things over the past couple of weeks had reminded him of me and he wanted to check in with me. I was a little taken aback at first but excited because I knew that without a doubt that this was of God. About a week ago I asked the Lord to search my heart and He knew this was something that needed to happen in order for me to let go of some of my anger and bitterness. God is good. The burden has been lifted and this individual and I are working on a friendship again. I truly believe God can and will use me in this person's life.

Another exciting thing over the wknd -- i have a new puppy!! Her name is Lilly and she is a little 1 lb 10 oz ball of black fur. so cute, she looks like a bear cub :)

What Is Hope After All

Almost my entire life I've been led to believe that hope is simply a wishing of the heart and if you're good then you'll get what you want. Very similar to the Disney theory that if you wish upon a star and hope for something with all of your heart then it will come true! Imagine that!! Completely not the way a believer should think of hope but for some reason that's the mindset I had as a child and it stuck with me...until now. I've definitely been learning what hope is and where my hope should be placed. I've come to recognize that I have a cynical attitude and a large part of that attitude stems from disappointment and that stems from the fact that I have been placing my hope in people -- i.e. I hope that this person changes, I hope that I will get this scholarship, I hope that this relationship will work out -- so its' no wonder when I'm constantly disappointed because I put all of my hope in people who are imperfect!

A lot changes when you start to put your hope in the Lord. You realize your limitations and you begin to cultivate faith. Instead of hoping that an individual will magically find enlightenment and change themself I can instead give that person and the situation over to the Lord in prayer and place my complete trust in His sovereignty and in His power. God knows best and it is His timing and ways that are always perfect, who am I to argue with the God of the Universe? That has been a hard lesson for me to learn, as I've stated in a previous blog I have the potential to think that I know better than God and I take over the controls. But being in a helpless situation has forced me to give it to God simply b/c I could do nothing else and now I'm beginning to see the benefits.

Hope is so much more than wishing, hope is trust + faith + patience. Trusting in God's power and sovereignty, Faith in His character and promises, Patience in waiting and sometimes longsuffering. There are days when I want to throw in the towel and give up the battle but then James 1:3-4 comes to mind "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverence. Let perserverence finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". How awesome to think that God allows trials in our life....specific trials that He knows will be exactly what is needed in order to bring about maturing and completion so that we are not lacking in anything. This verse speaks directly to me of God's love and His care, if He didn't care for me then He wouldn't spend so much time in molding me.

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

It's the Little Things

A friend of mine came down for the weekend to spend time with me, I haven't seen him in about 5-6 yrs which is a complete guess b/c time has flown by and I honestly can't remember but we had a great time together and it made me realize how blessed I am to have awesome friends. God has brought each and every friend into my life for a different reason and it amazes me to see which ones He chooses to minister to me at various phases in my journey. Over the past couple of months "old" friendships have been strengthened and new friendships have been made and it brings me joy. It seems that I always recieve an email, text, or phone call from a friend when I need it most and I don't believe that it is coincidence, I believe God sends these little blessings and allows that individual to be an encouragement or a testimony to me. I've learned that when you are able to see God in the "little" things you will begin to see His love and care for you in an even bigger way. So thank you to those of you who have been nothing but a true friend to me, you have enriched my life and it wouldn't be the same without you.

I read this poem today "Measure thy life by loss and not by gain, Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth. For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice, And he who suffers most has most to give." I especially appreciate the last standza - I have sacrificed and had to let go of someone that I loved and cared for very much, I have never understood the claim that it takes more love to let a person go until now. It takes everything I have to leave it alone and let it be. It takes all of my meager faith to give it to God and let Him work out the details. And it's true, he who suffers most does have most to give. If i hadn't gone through trials and experiences in my life then I would not be who I am today.....everyone lives through different experiences so that we can grow and use what we've learned to help others and to bring comfort to them. He has been turning the pain into something beautiful by allowing me to minister to others and by giving me an opportunity to become more like Christ.

Jesus showed the strength of His love by dying on the cross for individuals like me who did not deserve that sacrifice yet He did it because He loves me and there hasn't been a greater sacrifice since and there never will be. If letting my best friend go is the sacrifice I needed to make in order to see him grow in the Lord and find his way then it's worth the pain. If my trial is what it takes to minister to a new friend or encourage an old friend then it's worth it. If the pain and heartache and uncertainty is what it takes for ME to grow and become more like Him then it's worth it. God has been showing me the good amidst the hurt and that is what I'm trying to focus on....He can take any decision or situation - whether its bad, good, wrong, right, wise or foolish - and turn it into something that will glorify Him.
For the first time in my life I have the joy of the Lord but I have sadness at the same time yet i think its a holy sadness lol sounds weird i know and i'm wondering if i can even call it that but if it pushes me to my knees in prayer and forces me to look up for strength and direction then what else could it be....